The Odessa Files Megaman Edition
by Revokov
Summary: Issue Three is up. Get a load of Iris's new hobby, and learn Capcom's real plans for X7. Then get ready for The Lord Of The Widgets, possibly the worst crossover since ever.
1. Issue One

**X STALKED BY MAVERICKS, ANIMAL RIGHTS ACTIVISTS**

There's just no pleasing people… 

By Baron Vince

TOKYO—The hunt is on for the famous Maverick Hunter, Mega Man X, who fled from Tokyo last night after receiving vehement death threats from Mavericks and animal rights activists.

"For years, we've let this Reploid wander about the world, slaughtering animal after animal in cold blood," said Kathryn Somerset, spokeswoman for PETA. "Mega Man X has fought in six wars, and each time he kills a whole slew of critters. For example, the first time out he killed a penguin. A penguin!!! Then he went on to kill an eagle, an armadillo, a chameleon, a beetle, a gorilla, an octopus, and even a MAMMOTH! Mammoths are extinct enough as it is without him going around killing the ones that DO manage to slip through the cracks!

"And it just doesn't end!" Somerset continues. "He took down an ostrich in its natural habitat. He murdered a gator swimming peacefully in its home. He slew a buffalo, he killed a poor little catfish…even a rhino, just so he could take the poor thing's horn to use as a weapon! And THEN X goes on to kill mythological creatures like a Pegasus and a phoenix! When does it stop? Where do we, as the protectors of the world's animals, draw the line? And to think we hail this man as a hero!" Somerset spat in the dirt to show her resolve.

"If X wants to go around killing animals, that's his business," said David Henderson, spokesman for Greenpeace. "It may be cruel, heartless, and despicable, but there are a lot of despicable people out there. Now, where we got mad was when he went and attacked the plant life. I mean, Jeez Louise, wasn't he satisfied with the animals? No, he had to go kick around a poor, helpless mushroom. YES! HE FOUGHT AND TORTURED A MUSHROOM WITH ELECTRICITY! Just the thought of the poor mushroom caught in the Lightning Web makes me heartsick." Henderson wiped a tear from his eye. "But this wasn't even the last time he did something like this. He went after a rose, in the very next uprising! He set that rose ablaze with a Grand Fire! This cannot be tolerated. We, as the protectors of the world's wildlife, will kill this madman before he can do any more harm."

Mavericks joined the activists in the attempt to find and destroy X, but their reasoning is a bit more simplistic.

"Ohhh we'll kill him, yes, precious, we'll kill him and make him die!" said a very giddy Vile, rubbing his hands together evilly. "We'll take out his arms and legs and switch them and then we'll take pictures and laugh! Oh yes, precious, kills him we will, and just because we wants to, and then the rest of those nasssty Hunterses."

"The last time I saw X he was sitting in a chair, shivering," said Dr. Cain, leader of the Hunters. "Then I turned my back for a minute and he was gone. I think he's still running for his life. It's a scary thing, having Greenpeace after you. And it didn't help that Zero kept laughing at him," the doctor finished waspishly.

**ZERO HANDLED THAT PRETTY WELL**

_'Oops'._

By Baron Ziegfeld

TOKYO AGAIN—Any history book will tell you that Maverick Hunter Zero sacrificed his life in the first Maverick uprising to protect the life of Mega Man X, who went on to destroy Commander Sigma. For years this is the story widely believed by both sides to be the truth, but now Hunter Zero has come to Odessa with his side of the story at last in a truthful, heartfelt, alcohol induced confession.

"Okay, so I was just sitting there, right?" Zero began, referring to his imprisonment in the small, flimsy cage near Vile's ride armor. "And I was thinking, 'Jesus, Zero, you're a big miserable failure. You fought for what, five seconds before he kicked your ass? And here you told X you would handle Vile! X is gonna come through that door, and MAN is it gonna be embarrassing.'

"And it was embarrassing," Zero goes on. "Cause X was just looking at me like 'Man, I thought you were supposed to be like, the Kickass God Of the Earth. But you can't even beat this Behemoth From Hell!' But I ignored the implied insult for two reasons: one, I knew very well that no, I could not beat this Behemoth From Hell, and two, I knew that in a few minutes X would be getting his own ass kicked by the Behemoth From Hell, and I figured I could wait to laugh at him till then.

"So the ass-kicking started, and Vile's all laughing, and X is all screaming, and the novelty wore off on me, so I wasn't laughing anymore. Now I wanna get out of here and help. So I'm slamming against the sides of the cage, electrocuting myself, crying out in frustration, you know, the works. So then, I decide to charge my blaster to its limit and see if I couldn't maybe shoot Vile from in this cage.

"It was a good idea at the time," Zero goes on, somewhat sheepishly. "But see, I sorta forgot about it. Vile came stomping back by me and he was gonna charge X for the kill. I'd tried everything to get out of this cage, and then it just hit me: 'Dude,' it said, 'Why don't you just stand up?' So I did. The cage broke, and I was like 'WOO HOO!' And I hopped on the back of the carrier and I was bashing Vile upside the head, and his ride armor was bucking and flailing like I was riding a bull, but I held on, and decided that I should probably shoot Vile in the back of the head and get it over with. Now, I wanted to be sure I killed him, so I went and…charged my buster.

"See, all this time, my buster had still been charging." Zero turned beet red at this point. "Soooo yeah, it didn't respond well to this extra charging, and kaboom I went. So then I was just laying there, staring up at the sky, thinking 'Did I just DO that?!' I tell ya, you do not know embarrassment until you realize that you've just accidentally blown the lower part of your body to atoms.

"So here I am, Half-Zero, laying there bleeding, thinking 'Man, X is gonna start laughing at me and not stop.' I couldn't have that, though I did have the perfect line. I was gonna look at him all forlorn and say 'Oops'." 

"But," Zero got a shrewd look on his face, "I'm an ingenious little stinker, and I know my way around a cover up! I noticed that I'd blown Vile's carrier to bits, so when X rushed over I went into Darth Vader mode and said 'X…I've taken too much damage…autorepair systems can't handle it.' You know, in that scratchy, raspy, this-close-to-deadness tone? 'Sigma is stronger than he appears to be,' I go on. 'You're gonna need an edge.' So I give him my buster, which remarkably did NOT get vaporized. I figured, as long as I got that thing away from me, no one would suspect that I blew myself up like a dumbass rookie. And so it was! I handled that pretty well, I think. X went off and spanked Sigma and I was remembered as the hero who sacrificed his life for X. Thank GOD for that boy's naiveté. Hey, wait," he said, concern working its way into his voice. "This was off the record, right? RIGHT? Oh, Jesus Christ…"

**MAVERICKS RETURN TO DALLAS**

_Sigma's triumphant NBA comeback._

By Kou Cao

DALLAS, TX—After years of playing abroad, the Mavericks finally returned to their home court in Dallas for the next season of NBA basketball.

For years the Mavericks had played around the globe in places like Tokyo, New York, Russia, etc. It was argued that the team had "lost the spirit of the game" when they began destroying buildings and slaughtering random humans. They were even accused of using team money to fund terrorist operations, accusations that the Mavericks responded to generally by assassinating the accusers.

"I'm baaaack," said Sigma to Dallas upon his return. The 8'3 center stepped back onto the court, his bald head covered with a multicolored bandana, with guards Vile and Bit, forwards Storm Eagle and Morph Moth, and coach Bobby Knight, the only man capable of handling the reputably boorish Mavericks.

The Mavericks claimed their first match, against the Indiana Pacers, would be mere child's play. Indeed it was. Sigma put his fist through the Pacer center's chest, the game's first foul. The Pacers got two free throws for it, but the shooter was unable to sink either of the baskets, due to the fact that his knees were trembling and he had wet his pants. After that no one got close to the Mavericks.

"Aw come on, Ref!" an audience member complained. "That's obviously illegal!" He was referring to Storm Eagle and Morph Moth, who were hovering over the court, swooping in and grabbing rebounds and performing flawless slam-dunks. "Look at that air!" the commentators commented.

In response to this complaint, the Referee called a hearing, but upon seeing Sigma cracking his knuckles he quickly ruled that the hovering was legal as long as the flying Mavericks dribbled the ball when they had it, which they agreed to do.

"It was only reasonable," Morph Moth said with a shrug after the game. "This really wasn't much of a challenge. I'm afraid of the day when we have to play the Chicago Bulls. We traded Blizzard Buffalo to them. It just seemed right, y'know?"

"My fans!" Sigma said to the roaring Dallas crowd after the game ended with a record score of 201 to 3, "We came, we saw, we conquered!" He waited for the cheering to die down before continuing. "The S-Dawg is back in da house, and we gonna rock this world right to the core of its miserable existence! WHOOP dere it is!"

"WHOOP dere it is!" responded the enthusiastic crowd, not understanding the subliminal message.

**GATE REQUESTS NEW PLOT**

_New enemy lord wants fiendish plan that "doesn't suck ass-monkeys"._

By Ludwig

TOKYO, WHERE ELSE?—The supervillain in Capcom's new Megaman X6 video game, Dr. Gate, has come forth and addressed his creators, begging them to give his game a new plotline.

In X6, Gate and his comrades Isoc and High Max send their Investigators out to learn about the "Zero Nightmare". Then, Gate decides to create a Reploid utopia. X stops him, of course, and then goes on to defeat Sigma, who is back again for, it would finally seem, no reason whatsoever.

"Is that not the crummiest plot you've ever heard?" Gate asked Capcom's R&D team. "What the hell is this Zero Nightmare crap? It sounds like a bad horror movie. And the utopia? That's SO been done before. HELLO? DR. DOPPLER? Morons."

"But you've got Isoc and the Mighty High Max," the team pointed out.

"Isoc is weird," Gate countered. "And High Max may be strong, but he ain't all that smart." A door opened to reveal High Max, sitting Indian style on the floor with a box of Goldfish snack crackers in his hands.

"I like da fishes cuz they're soooo delicious!" High Max sang. "Daaats' Goldfiiiishes!"

"See?" Gate sighed. "I waited and waited and waited and FINALLY when I get accepted as the new villain, I get this crummy storyline! Is it so much to ask for a plot that doesn't suck ass-monkeys?"

"MONKEY!" High Max repeated, bouncing around the room. "Monkey monkey monkey MONKEY!!!"

WILY'S NEW "TROJAN MAN" ILL RECEIVED BY PEERS

Especially by those who get it.

By Master Revokov

SKULL CASTLE—In a sudden stint of dark humor probably caused by increased Starbucks intake, Dr. Wily created his latest masterpiece, which was ill received by its fellow Robot Masters after its activation last Monday.

The new Robot Master, who goes by the moniker "Trojan Man", is a humanoid soldier in green armor who carries a long pointy lance. He also has access to a mechanical horse custom made for his own use.

"He is a wild, crazy party animal!" Wily explained in his usual raving tone. "Trojan Man will find the Blue Bomber, and stop him before he can commence bombing! His horse, Silver Bullet, will take him anywhere he needs to go, so he can make sure those naughty children of Light behave themselves. After all, one Megaman is enough!" Wily seemed to think this was amazingly funny, and dissolved into a fit of giggles, which is how I left him.

Despite Trojan Man's generally upbeat and helpful disposition, the other Robot Masters haven't quite accepted him yet.

"He's weird," commented Dive Man. "He carries that poker, sure, but that ain't his special weapon. I don't understand the point of his special weapon."

"He keeps dropping subtle hints," said Cut Man. "At least, I think they are subtle hints. I don't know what in the world he's talking about. 'Play it safe'? 'A moment of passion, a lifetime of regret'? I just don't get it."

Indeed, none of the Robot Masters seemed to get it, all save for perhaps one, the man with the most experience in the world outside Wily's walls.

"All right, so here's the beef," said Bass, crashing in an armchair and speaking in a distracted manner. "This Trojan dude was made to benefit mankind, not to smash it, as far as I can see. That in itself is a problem. That may not be what Wily intended. Wily probably thought he was just being funny. But I don't think so. Just look at this special weapon, the S. Trapper! Remember Spring Man's Wild Coils bouncing around everyplace? Now stick a green covering over the springs and there you have it. The S. Trapper. Now, no one else gets it…" Bass leaned forward conspiratorially. "But I mean, come on. You know what's being implied, so I won't say it. Now, the point I'm trying to make here is, why SHOULDN'T the Robot Masters be pissed off? We don't find this funny! I don't find this funny, and I'm the only one who gets it! What good is this guy to us? Wily's MOCKING us, that's what he's doing! Everyone in here has the suffix "Man" but at the same time, they're not!"

Asked how he got to be so knowledgeable on the subject, Bass flushed and kind of shrunk down in his chair. "The…the Internet," he stammered, perhaps hiding something, perhaps not.

An effort was made to interview Mega Man, Proto Man, and Light's other children.

"Back off, back off, nothing to see here," Mega Man said, waving in a different direction.

"Go on, get out, lest I melt your skull," Proto Man replied, just as cheerily, gesturing with his Buster as he and Mega stood guard over the small shed where Roll—the only local female robot—has wisely secluded herself since news of Trojan Man was made public.

At least one Robot Master, however, seems to have taken a liking to Trojan Man.

"I want his horse," drooled Centaur Man, without elaborating.

**I DO WHAT THE VOICES TELL ME TO DO**

By Sigma

I'm sick of this…I can't take it anymore! All the yelling, the shouting, the accusations, the condemnations! You people act like I'm not reploid like the rest of you. Do I not bleed like you? Do I not weep like you, though never in public? And yet you spurn my name, just because I brutally murdered your friends and neighbors. I, Sigma, am the scourge of the world, that's what you say, isn't it? Well, it hurts! It hurts because you don't even understand the half of it!

It's not me, my friends. Ohhh no no no. I'm not responsible for HALF the things "I" do. It's THEM. Yes, them! The voices! Hey, don't give me that look. I know precisely what you're thinking, and it's wrong! They're THERE, man! They're REAL! They control my life, they force me to do these terrible things, and they punish me if I disobey! My god, people, do you know what it's like to have three different opinions clashing with your own on every occasion? All I wanted to do was to be a zoologist. That's right, a zoologist! The Maverick Hunter job was just temporary until I got my roots in the world. I wanted to study the monkeys and the fishies and the koala bears, but that was until the VOICES got to me!

There are three Voices: Githgarzad, Zeeberdoink, and Bob. Githgarzad is the old me. He's always talking about the "good old days" when I was kicking ass, instead of getting my own ass handed to me on a platter, like now. Githgarzad is very loud during combat. He's all like "KILL IT, SIGMA, KILL IT DEAD! MAKE IT DIE, AND THEN GO OUT FOR A PINT, LIKE YA USED TA! REMEMBER THE TIME STORM EAGLE PASSED OUT DRUNK IN MIDAIR AND LANDED SPREAD-LEGGED ON KUWANGNER'S HEAD? OH BOYSIE, THOSE WERE THE DAYS!"

But ZEEBERDOINK…Zeeberdoink is the one to watch out for! He's the most potent member of the Sigma Virus. He's always telling me to rip things apart, even when not in combat. "Death," says Zeeberdoink, all the time, "Pain. Chaos. Agony. Suffering! STOP SITTING THERE AND CAUSE SOME TROUBLE!" I can't defeat Zeeberdoink…I'm sorry, but I can't! I try and I try and I try but Zeeberdoink is just too powerful. And so I set off on rebellion after rebellion, with Zeeberdoink at the helm, desperately trying to kill Mega Man X, my rival. I really don't have a problem with X. He won, I lost, that's life. But old Zeeberdoink, he just doesn't like to lose, so he always takes over right before I fight X, which is why X always sees me as a wild crazy frothing beast.

Githgarzad and Zeeberdoink are always at odds, and the bickering gives me headaches all the time! And its even worse when Bob starts in! Bob is a pyromaniac, and cares only about fire. From the time Bob wakes up till the time Bob goes to sleep he's screaming constantly "LOOK SIGMA, LOOK AT IT SIGMA, LETS SET IT ON FIRE, SIGMA, COME ON SIGMA LETS SET IT ON FIRE! BURN! BURN! BURN! BUUUUUUURRRRRRRN, MAXIMAL! LOOK AT THE FLOWER SIGMA, LOOK AT THE FLOWER, ISN'T IT A PRETTY FLOWER SIGMA, I BET IT WOULD LOOK PRETTIER IF IT WERE ON FIRE, EH SIGMA, EH? EH? EH?"

Do you see?! Do you understand?! Cruel, cruel world, I don't slaughter your innocent civilians because I want to! I merely do what the Voices tell me to do! There's nothing I can do to stop it! Run, run for your lives, before it's too late and I lose control again!

All I wanted was to work with the monkeys and the fishies…it's all I wanted…the monkeys and the fishies….that's all….the monkeys and the fishies and the koala bears….

"HEY SIGMA, KOALA BEARS ARE NEAT ARENT THEY SIGMA? MAYBE THEY WOULD BE NEATER IF THEY WERE BURNING LIKE TIKI TORCHES, EH SIGMA, EH? EH? EH? EH?"

**_STAFF_**

**Master Revokov—**Editor In Chief

**Baron Vince—**Copy Editor

**Baron Ziegfeld—**Assistant Editor

**Ludwig—**Editor Editor

**Kou Cao—**Very Special Editor

**The Experts—**Gatherers of Knowledge

**Sigma—**Will Probably Be Shooting At You Shortly Enough


	2. Issue Two

**TACO BELL HIRES DATA**

_Give the people what they want._

By Baron Vince

TACO BELL'S SECRET BASE—The Taco Bell restaurant chain has finally found the replacement mascot it has been searching for ever since it tired of the famous talking Chihuahua. The company wisely figured that there was only one thing better than a talking dog: a dancing monkey.

Data, the tiny robot monkey from the Megaman Legends game series, is a charismatic figure who has already touched the lives of many. Data consists of a monkey head and tiny monkey hands and feet and tail sticking out of a big metal diaper. His repetitive, nonstop dance has been a welcome sight for Legends players desperate for a chance to save after beating huge bosses like Bruno, and it will now be a welcome sight for hungry people everywhere.

"Data was very pleased with our offer," said Taco Bell spokesman Tony Yolman. "He responded most enthusiastically and signed a one-year contract to do commercials and posters to promote our foodstuffs."

Data's first scheduled job will be to film a commercial in which he dances to salsa music while hypnotic images of various new Taco Bell products flash in the background.

"They're hypnotic, because that's what it is," Yolman explained. "Hypnotism will be the marketing strategy of the new millennium. Data's nonstop, unchanging dance will lull viewers into a false sense of security while our succulent food images ignite their hunger, and drive them south of the border! I shouldn't have told you that," Yolman added apprehensively.

Data has several other gigs lined up, including a second commercial featuring a popular dance song which plays as Data dances across the TV screen as Taco Bell customers feast on new tacos.

"HEEEY MACARENA, EEK-EEK!" the squeaky voice of Data will resonate.

"I'm very happy for Data," said MegaMan Volnutt, the monkey's owner. "I'm sure he'll have a great time. He just better be back in time to explain what the hell the plot of the second game was to me, just before I fight Sera. Otherwise I'll have an aneurysm from confusion."

**TREE HUGS BACK**

_A match made in heaven?_

By Baron Ziegfeld

YATES FOREST—Local Greenpeace activist John Burgess received quite a shock yesterday when a tree hugged him back.

Burgess, a huge defender of all things natural, was in the middle of his daily romp through the woods, hugging trees and enjoying nature as only few can. Halfway down the trail, however, Burgess hugged a tree that, overcome by emotion, returned the embrace, tearful with joy at his acceptance by a human being. The human in question fled screaming for his mother.

"Never ever ever ever again!" Burgess raved, shortly before the Men In White Coats arrived. "Trees shouldn't be able to hug! Trees don't have arms! Oh my God, it was horrible! I…oh no, I peed myself! Damn nature!"

"Mr. Burgess's condition is very sudden and strange," said Man-In-White-Coat Jeremy Hein. "But we here at Happy Dale Sanitarium are positive that in time, Mr. Burgess will be good as new, or at least kept away from the rest of society."

"Of course we're sure his story is false," Hein said when asked if he was sure they were doing the right thing. "We even went to where he said to go, and there was no tree there."

"I most certainly was there," said Woodman, "and it was the bestest thing in the whole wide world!" The tree-shaped robot wiped a tear from his eye. "I can't tell you how many times Wily has told me I'm useless, that I can't defeat Megaman, and that I don't belong anywhere. And then this guy just comes along and hugs me, and he _meant_ it, and I felt so appreciated!"

Authorities aren't sure what Woodman was doing in the forest, but they were more than willing to let the matter drop.

"Goddamn dendrophiliacs," said Captain Chalmers.

**BON BONNE LEARNS NEW WORD**

_Family joyous, until…_

By Ludwig

GESSELSCHAFT—It was a joyous day for the members of the Bonne pirate family as their youngest member, Bon Bonne, learned a new word other than his trademark "Babu".

Until now, the giant black and gold…thing…has communicated only by variations of "Babu", kinda like a Pokemon. Bon Bonne has ravaged the globe with his brother Teisel and his sister Tron and their army of Servbots, little Lego people who can't pilot ride armors very well. However, with the addition of his new word, Bon will be able to instill even more terror into the hearts of his enemies.

"I'm so proud of him!" Teisel Bonne reported enthusiastically. "Bon's been sort of a late bloomer, but now that he's finally coming into his own, only great things can be in store for this family! The world will quake for fear at the mention of the name Bonne!"

Teisel and Tron gathered in a room with Bon to hear what he had to say to them.

"Vol…nutt," Bon pronounced slowly. "Volnutt!"

"It was very scary," said Servbot 15. "One minute Master Teisel and Miss Tron were very happy, and then there was all this screaming and yelling. Master Teisel sounded like he did that time he got his hand caught in the garbage disposal. I think they threw Servbot 12 out the window again."

"AIEEEE!" commented Servbot 12.

**FLYING SAUCER MECH IS SO "LAST REBELLION"**

_Get with it, doc._

By the Experts

SKULL CASTLE—Fashion expert Danielle Saunders has issued a report via popular style magazines condemning Dr. Albert Wily and his out of date sense of aesthetics.

"It's like, so totally inexcusable for him to still have that same haircut after all these years," writes Saunders. "And like, if you look really closely at instruction manuals you'll see that his hair gets longer each time. He hasn't even had a HAIRCUT since he started this new job of his. Also, look at that atrocious lab coat! I mean, come on! The mad scientist look was popular in, like, the 80s…no, the Nevers."

Saunders also goes ahead to criticize Wily's mechanical creations.

"What is wrong with him, making all of his robots men? What's wrong with women? He is WAY behind on the times. Women OWN this world. If he ever wants to take over the world, he should start by becoming a woman.

"And finally, like, what's his big deal with flying saucers? Ok, let's like, take a look here: crazy hair, stupid lab coat, flying saucer…this guy is definitely an alien. I mean, how else can you justify hiding yourself away in a bunch of castles and launching wars to take over the planet? I say he's an alien commando from Planet Mars. Or at least Mercury. And it's not like his flying saucer deal gets him anywhere. I mean, look at how many times Mega Man has so totally trashed him! He's used that same design over and over, too. What's his obsession with skulls? Me, I say it's because he's studying them for his Martian master, but I don't have proof yet. Anyway, that flying saucer look is so last rebellion. What the world needs is a new Wily, a fresh Wily, one that can strike terror into people's hearts anew and can thus sell more game copies! And no more of that skull-saucer thing. 'Look at me, Mega Man, I'm a big floating bone!' is just not going to cut it anymore."

When Wily saw the article he promptly issued a counterstatement, saying quite forcefully that Cutman cuts his hair quite frequently, that the lab coat look is very "in" among scientists of any kind, and that his skull emblem is his "baby" and by God he's sticking to it.

"Look at him, look how stubborn he is, denying life-saving fashion tips!" Saunders shook her head in disbelief. "Is he like, insane or something?"

**DUO CAN'T BELIEVE HOW SHITTY EARTH GOT**

_Talk about letdowns._

By Kou Cao

TOKYO—Alien robot Duo returned to Earth yesterday, arriving just three days after Eurasia devastated the planet, and promptly issued a statement declaring that he "couldn't believe how shitty the place got in just sixty or so years."

"I swear to God," the destroyer of Evil Energy said in disbelief. "I leave you people alone for a few years, and this is what you do to the place!"

Duo, a massive sentient robot with strange powers and an even stranger mission, came to Earth during Dr. Wily's 8th Robot Rebellion to destroy the Evil Energy Wily was using in his mad schemes. After the fall of Wily Tower, Duo healed the stricken Mega Man and departed for the stars. His return has gone mostly unnoticed, since everyone he knew is dead and X and Signas are busy rebuilding the shattered planet, which suffered the wrath of the Sigma Virus after the mercenary Dynamo corrupted space colony Eurasia and brought it on a crash course with Earth.

"When I left, everything was nice and happy," Duo grumped. "There were leaves on the trees, birds in the air, and girly-men in blue underwear keeping the peace. Now girly men in blue armor still keep the peace, but they've obviously done a shitty job of it, because this place looks like a meteor hit it, or something."

"Well, all right," the giant robot decided. "I guess I'd better find Zero and heal him back to heath. And on the way I should see if I can learn anything about that Starbucks franchise. You can't tell me THAT'S gone, too. …Right?"


	3. Issue Three

**CAPCOM SEARCHING FOR INNOVATIVE WAYS TO FUCK UP X7**

CAPCOM JAPAN—Capcom Entertainment recently released a statement confirming what many already suspected was the truth: the company is busily hunting for innovative ways to fuck up the next game in the Mega Man X series.

The tradition of fucking up X games started last year with the release of Mega Man X5, the fifth chapter of the series, which until then had been seasoned with decent gameplay and some semblance of effort. The first three games in the series, released on the Super Nintendo Entertainment System, are still considered by many to be classics in the action category and even now are a blast to play. X4 through X6 have been released for the Sony Playstation, and while X4 was clearly well planned the executives decided they wanted something different. Capcom responded by brutally fucking up episodes 5 and 6.

The Capcom tradition has always been to run with a formula and the company is eagerly seeking out people to help them ruin X7, the series' first 3-D installment on the Playstation 2.

"It's a lot harder than you'd think to create a shitty video game," an R&D man informed Odessa. "You have to get all the right people, including a 2-year old to write the plotline. But let's face it, the Megaman series isn't about plot, it's about ACTION and LEVELS! And who better than a platoon of hungover helper monkeys to playtest the levels?"

Capcom also has been straining its brain to create the staples of any Megaman game: the eight new bosses. Taking after Megaman X5 when the bosses had different Japanese and English names, Capcom has come up with Gusto Crustacean (American Name: Mr. Lobster) and the deadly Viral Sabre (American Name: Herpes). Also appearing will be Geddon Frigolvo, a humanoid Maverick with "gangsta appeal" (American Name: G Dawg the Frig). Finally, as a cruel joke, Capcom is thinking of throwing in Stutter Scourgemonkey (American Name: Dubya) who attacks by throwing Dick Cheney's pacemaker around.

Capcom also seems very intent on including Dynamo, a character added in X5 who may be the very embodiment of the Spirit of Suck that lays on the last two games, mostly because he can be defeated with anything up to and including a garden hose.

The question has risen as to whether or not this new tradition is in Capcom's best interest. Ever sense the company redirected its Effort department to Megaman Zero, fans of the original series have become somewhat…disgruntled.

There is still no confirmation as to whether or not Zero will be in the game, but the latest reports indicate that Hell is still quite unfrozen, so gamers can probably count on the Crimson One's presence.

**IRIS TAKES TEEN MUSIC WORLD BY STORM**

EVERYWHERE—Former Maverick Huntress Iris has been taking the world of popular teen music by storm with her new hit single, a remix of Avril Lavigne's "Complicated" in which Iris bitches at Zero for screwing everything up.

Iris, formerly a conservative Reploid with almost schoolgirl innocence, traded the traditional girl next door look for the one Britney Spears created, much to the enjoyment of rabid fanboys everywhere and much to the dismay of Commander Zero, who's reputation has been seriously tarnished now that everyone and his brother knows he blew up his girlfriend.

"Wife beater!" the world is shouting, even though the two were not married. "Abuser!"

"She tried to kill me!" the golden haired Commander protested futilely to the masses. The world's females tossed their hair in haughty unison and said "Like that matters," making perfect sense, as only females can do.

"This game series has seen too many subservient women in typical female roles!" Iris herself declared in a private interview. "But I will prove that ALL women can be as slutty and therefore rich as they want to be, not just the ones designed to be that way!"

Parental advisory units, upset by the message Iris is sending, made a last minute appeal to her brother and fan club president Colonel, who politely told them to go screw a wall socket.

"She's bringin' in the dough," Colonel explained with a simple shrug. "I'll never have to work again now that my sister's famous."

"Iris and the G.G. Dolls" go on tour next Monday. Tickets can be purchased at ticketmaster.com or in the usual shady back alleys.

**BASS ACTUALLY IS A FISH**

NEW TOKYO—Investigative reporters have come forward with startling evidence that indicates that Bass, Dr. Albert Wily's deadliest Wilybot, is in fact a fish, despite the title of Red Draco's famous fanfiction story.

The evidence was provided by Bombman, who witnessed Plantman, a Wilybot skilled in administering first aid to downed field soldiers, work on Bass after he was badly wounded during another futile duel with Megaman, the champion of peace and neighborliness and smiley faces. Plantman opened Bass up to fix his internals and promptly recoiled with a shriek.

"There's a fish!" Plantman is reported to have sputtered. "It's a fish! It's a fish! It's a fishy!"

"Sure enough," Bombman insists, "when I goes to look inside, what does I sees in dere? Sure as shit in a sewer, there was a fish sittin' dere in Bass's chest cavity pullin' on levers an' stuff ta make 'im move and talk an' all dat."

"'Ay mate!" snapped Marty the Mad Marlin. "I'm workin', here!"

According to Bombman the marlin, whose inexplicable Australian accent leaves investigators baffled, has been controlling Bass from the beginning via a control center inside the robot's body. In return Wily supplies the marlin with a never-ending supply of fish food. The terrible Bass, if Bombman is correct, is really just a puppet controlled by Marty the Mad Marlin, which would for the first time make a fish the most dangerous creature on earth.

"I always knew there was something fishy about him!" said a chortling Megaman, whose bad jokes would have already gotten him executed if he weren't so useful.

As news of Bass's duplicity spread, the rest of Dr. Wily's creations came forward with secrets of their own. In a startling count, twenty-six of the Wilybots turned out to be squirrels, who were thought to have been vanquished during the terrible War of 2022. Perhaps the greatest surprise of all was Hardman, who turned out to be a rutabaga. Finally Treble, Bass's faithful pet, turned out to be of all people the animagus Sirius Black in armor.

"Those stuffy Ministry blokes'll never find me here!" Black declared jovially.

**X HAS NOVEL IDEA: START GAME SERIES STARRING HIM**

HUNTER HQ—Megaman X, tired of getting shoved out of the spotlight, decided to make a series of video games starring himself as the protagonist.

"It will be completely different from the Megaman X series," Megaman X said excitedly. "It will be all about me, and my battles with the Maverick barons and my character development."

Many quickly argued that the Megaman X series was about Megaman X, and why did the blue ingrate need another series? But experts agree that the Megaman X series is not really about Megaman X at all, and focuses more on the characters of secondary protagonist Zero and major villain Sigma.

"The old bald guy and the man dressed up like a woman get more attention and respect than I do!" X said peevishly. "I've done enough for this world that I deserve some decent recognition and by thunder I'm gonna have it! I'll make the game myself if I have to."

X was quickly asked who the main antagonist would be in his story. "Someone cunning," X answered just as quickly. "Someone ruthless. Someone who players would love to see in action. Someone like…Zero!"

Plot analysts all agree that despite the hypocrisy of having Zero in the game at all, having him as a villain would be a marvelous twist that would invite fans of the old series while presenting a respectable villain to new recruits.

"It's a fantastic idea, which is precisely why I didn't use it," said a Capcom executive, who then got back to fucking up X7.

In X1, X was pretty much on his own, and in the end he turned out to be a fairly generic character while the public threw themselves at the heroic, confident Zero. In X2 the whole purpose of the quest focused on saving Zero, kicking X from the limelight. In X3 Zero was somewhat playable, and everyone who played the game hated the time they spent playing X because they were only using him against their wills. In X4, Zero's cutscenes revealed his deep character background. X's cutscenes focused on the bad guys. In X5 people just forgot about X. In X6 they were forced to play him at the start but Zero's speedy return foiled X's comeback quickly. In Rockman Zero, X was COMPLETELY smirched, only appearing as a villain of all people.

"The day is mine!" X declared to his fanbase. "The tables have turned at last!"

When asked about X's attitude, Zero said that he pitied his comrade. "So he wants to be a hero. Let him. He has no idea how many times he's gonna be brutally killed off, does he?" the constantly resurrected Crimson Hunter had to ask.

**MTV AWARDS LIGHT/WILY WIZARD BATTLE**

WILY TOWER—The MTV station's annual award for Best Fight Scene in a movie went this year to the duel between intellectual wizards Light the Gray and Wily the White inside Wily Tower from this winter's smash hit _The Lord of the Widgets: The Fellowship of the Widget._

The scene takes place as the good Light enters Wily Tower to confer with his trusted comrade Wily about the danger of the One Widget, which is all the Dark Lord Sigma needs to unleash his Maverick plague upon the world.

"One Widget to rule them all…One Widget to find them. One Widget to bring them all, and in the darkness…I'm sorry," Light the Gray finally conceded. "I can't do this with a straight face."

Unbeknownst to Light, Wily the White has already sold out to the Enemy, and a battle breaks out that involves a lot of pointing and falling down, mixed with constipated old man noises.

"It was definitely the most wicked thing I've seen all year," said judge Darrel Scott. "At one point Light goes 'RAH' and Wily goes 'AHH' and then he like, falls, and there's blood everywhere even though you can't see them hitting each other. I just can't wait for the next movie, because Light comes back as Light the White. Dude, his name even rhymes! You _know _he's gonna kick ass if his name rhymes."

Another notable scene from the film was the Council of Cain, where world leaders gathered to decide the One Widget's fate.

"It must be taken deep into the heart of Chicago and cast back into the fires from whence it came!" Dr. Cain declares. "One of _you _must do this."

"One does not simply walk into Chicago," protests Colonel, whose people have held Sigma at bay all these years. "The very air you breathe is a poisonous fume. Not with 10,000 men could you do this!"

"Well we've only got 9," said Megaman X, after volunteering. "So we'd better start thinking now."

The next film features comrades X and Zero inside Chicago guided by the treacherous Vile, who also covets the Widget. Stay tuned for future coverage!

***

I've been asked about letters to the editor. First I need the letters. Ask a question in a review or email me at megjust3@aol.com and I'll see if I can think of a weird answer for the next issue.


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